Grief is a normal and necessary part of being human and experiencing loss.
There is a hint in the word "loss", that may surprise you as it did me, that grief may not necessarily mean loss of a loved one (person or pet).
Grief and loss can also occur in other areas of our life such as a change in circumstances For example:
loss of a relationship - (friendship, marriage, partnership, distance etc).
loss of ability or capability (physical or mental etc)
loss of identity - (becoming a parent, changing career, retiring, accident etc)
Grief is like a tunnel we must go through and emerge out the other end.
Transformed in our perspective by having allowed ourselves to experience the full gamut of thoughts and emotions related to our personal experience of loss.
This process allows us to make sense of it and in someway accept the change and what our new life now looks like.
The truth is life is a process and always moving and changing - that is the one certainty in life. However loss often catches us by surprise in the size and impact of the change it has on our personal situation.
Moving through the tunnel of grief towards the light at the other end will vary in length and time and process for each of us and for the situation of loss that is being experienced.
How resourced we are, and the relevance of the support can impact our journey as well.
How do we know if we are stuck in the tunnel, unable to either see the end or move towards the light?
I can only comment on the loss I have experienced over the course of my life and the impact it had on me, in the hope that something in my shared experience will resonate some understanding for your own situation.
The first big point of loss that felt like I was stuck in the tunnel was after I had 5 children in the space of 4 years (one of which passed away at 6mth age, and a set of twins at the end)
I found myself constantly crying and not wanting to be in the life that I found myself in. I felt overwhelmed by all I had to do (a mother, a career & farming business partnership). It all felt too much, like there weren't enough hours' in the day. And I wasn't enjoying my new life as a mother - I felt my sense of identity slipping away. I knew that I couldn't carry on in this space and I wasn't ready to give up my career. Who would I be now ?- just a mother!! I know - but that was the truth of my belief system and it felt very real and scary given that I had worked so hard for my whole life to have this career.
I resisted help and that kept me more stuck, until my body shouted louder and I found myself at the Dr with a concerned neighbour. Stern words from the Dr and I left on antidepressants (and everything that meant!), while I came to terms with slowing down and re-organising what needed to happen for me to be able to cope, to prioritise what was really important.
Of course it became obvious there was unresolved grief of my first child mixed in amongst it too. Box on, I'm tough, don't cry, don't dwell on what's in the past, were all messages that played in my subconscious.
Life circumstances changed as a result of reorganising my commitments, and I formed a new identity that my Ego needed to justify my presence and purpose in the world.
That was fine for a couple of years, coming off the medication self advised as soon as I could, until it wasn't again. Every year in Sept ( I worked out later), I would fall into depression and go back on medication. The bouts of medication and depression continued. I was at least comfortable in my new identity, as a high performing farmer, until I wasn't. More change of life situation from Dairy to Drystock to improve the lifestyle. That lasted for a while until it wasn't "enough". What ever that meant.
Another long 10years this time, trying to find out what I wanted to do next that had purpose and meaning.
Long story short, it wasn't until 20 years later that I was able to address the grief of my daughter using EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), starting back at the shock of receiving the news that my baby was not "normal" , through the 6mths that followed in hospital away from my husband and home, and dealing with the consequences of having a child with regular hospital interventions. And there was the death, the funeral, the ashes, and all the emotions and meaning layered in the period. So much unresolved grief.
As Depak Chopra says - "it is the meaning we give the event that becomes the event".
I was unaware that I hadn't processed the meaning of each stage that was "plugged in" to my subconscious in the memories. The human mind body is designed to be resilient and get through life challenges, except where the feelings are not acknowledged or supported at the time. I had not come to terms with much of what happened. I kept busy and moving - surviving. I didn't want to acknowledge any of what was happening.
It wasn't until I stopped being so busy that I became acutely aware of the discomfort in my body I had been avoiding. Numbing our using food and alcohol started to become a regular pattern I was not happy repeating - however it was the easy option to go to, and my mind body learned that.
Using EFT I was able to revisit times that were still painful and release them. They just wanted to be felt and expressed at the time. The body remembered and stored the emotions in the events.. I used a practitioner to get into the deep sticky places.
I used this technique later when my marriage came to an end. Despite it being by mutual agreement and amicable, there were potentially 30years of hurt that each of us had stored that came up at various times. I was able to use EFT tapping to address these as they arose, so I could behave in a more clear and logical manner, ensuring the best outcome for us both. When I changed how I showed up, it affected everyone around me.
There was a change in identity involved, a change in living situation, and all the limiting beliefs I held about myself and how I would manage on my own, reared their head.
I am so grateful for this tool that allowed me to express anger, shame, resentment, loneliness, amongst other things that I would otherwise have continued to carry around with me to the next stage of life. Taking responsibility for my inner world became clear and necessary.
I am free of depression, I allow myself to express and feel whatever comes up when it comes up and I am a much nicer person to be around.
I am at peace with past challenges and love the life of freedom, ease and calm that I have found myself nestled into. My future excites me with another identity change that feels aligned and purposeful - Getting busy living. Bring it on!!
If you find that any of my story resonates and you too suspect you are stuck in the tunnel of grief, it doesn't have to stay that way.
Recognition is the first step, and being ready to move on with the appropriate help takes courage fuelled by your desire to want the best for yourself and the precious life you are here to live.
I'd love to chat when you are ready
Jenny Malcolm
Clarity Coach and EFT Practitioner
jenny@jennymalcolm.co.nz 7.8.24
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